Just Don’t Fucking Do It: Gatekeeping and Conflation

Two ideas that you won’t find espoused in Humanistic BDSM are Gatekeeping and Conflation. As you learn and interact more in the lifestyle it is important to recognize these ideas so are able to discern for yourself if information you gather is worthwhile.

First, some definitions.

• Gatekeeping in the lifestyle is "The act of restricting or limiting access to the lifestyle of community or invalidating someone's actions or feelings, usually based on personal bias and prejudice.” It’s the kink equivalent of saying that you can’t be a racecar driver because you’re female. 

• Conflation is “The merging of two or more sets of ideas so as to deem them equivalent based on the high prevalence of the ideas occurring together. It is also the making of assumptions based on conflated ideas.”

One of the common tactics/logical fallacies found in gatekeeping is what I’ve termed Conflation. It’s like automatically assuming that a person wearing a dress is a cis or trans female. That’s not unilaterally true. It ignores the fact that there are cis and trans males and non-binary people who simply like wearing dresses. That’s conflation.

Gatekeeping is antithetical to HuBDSM principles because it invalidates someone based on PERSONAL bias and prejudice. Here are examples to differentiate what is and is not Gatekeeping:

• Being told you are not a little because you don’t own stuffies = Gatekeeping
• Being told that you shouldn’t use an anal hook as a weight-bearing suspension point = nice BDSM person trying to save your ass (c’mon I had to say it!)

The first example perfectly utilises Conflation. It equates little with stuffie ownership. While a majority of littles own stuffies it is not a requirement for that role. 

I personally struggled with the harmful effects of Conflation. I have always felt Dominant but I have also always enjoyed getting hurt. Based on the Conflation that Dominant = sadism = top and submissive = masochism = bottom, I identified as a switch for many years. I didn’t know how to resolve these disparate ideas. Then I viewed this disparity through the lens of Humanism which would say that both ideas are valid. So if both are valid how can both exist at the same time? This is what led me to question the equivalency of Dominant to top and submissive to bottom. I realised that Dominant is how I felt mentally and emotionally and bottoming is what I wanted to physically experience. I’m a Dominant who likes to be topped. Disparity resolved. 

By breaking conflated ideas, a person is able to pursue and build deeply fulfilling scenes

I was fortunate to have the education and strength of will to pursue ALL THE THINGS I wanted and conventions be damned. However, gatekeeping and conflation leads to confusion and to out right harm in the extremes. Here are some visceral examples:

• Unneeded confusion. For example, societal views generally conflate that males are more Dominant and females are more submissive (and then just flat out ignore non-binary people). This was a question Pet himself had to grapple with and shared in What is it like to be a Submissive?. “I (a heterosexual male) wanted to submit but if men are usually the dominant ones, did that mean was I gay? Bi?” While exploring your sexuality is safe and normal, questioning your sexuality based on non sexual activities is really fucking confusing and unnecessary. (D/s is not inherently sexual but I’ll talk about that some other time.) This can be more insidious and lead to…

• Not exploring things you love. If you don’t pursue what you love, how can you possibly be a self-actuated person? Societal conflation identifies certain activities as inherently male or female. When people choose to break these norms, they must face the fear of being ostracised. Some can overcome this fear and some cannot. This is what keeps boys from ballet, girls from softball, gentle souls from being Dominant, and Dominants from bottoming. Now let’s step back a minute. Why the fuck are we ostracising people in the Lifestyle? We’re already on the fringe. Seems pretty fucking stupid to me.

• Manipulation and Abuse. Gatekeeping and conflation are powerful tools of the manipulative and abusive. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. “If you were a true submissive you wouldn’t question anything your Dominant says.” If we follow this line of thought if a Dominant wants to cut your leg off, that’s fine, right? Obviously not. However, here’s a more common and therefore more insidious scenario. “If you were a true submissive you would let me fuck you.” Remember two paragraphs ago I said that Dominance and submission are not inherently sexual? A newbie who’s only information on BDSM is through porn might not know this even if sex is a hard limit. It’s valid for a Dominant to say, “I only feel Dominant when play leads to fucking” because they are sharing their limits. It becomes manipulation and abuse when a Dominant dictates that their hard limit makes them not submissive.
  (Note: In the above scenario, the Dominant did not give the submissive all the correct information. This does not allow for the submissive to give informed and enthusiastic consent for sex. If there is sexual activity where consent is called into question this lends to sexual assault or rape.)

By breaking conflated ideas, a person is able to pursue and build deeply fulfilling scenes. They will also be equipped to identify and call out (if comfortable) Gatekeeping when they see it. One can explore different types of play, with their own identified limits, without feelings of invalidation which demoralising and isolating. It can keep you safe from predators in BDSM clothing. The identification of Gatekeeping and Conflation will help protect your spirit and body while pursing the deeply personal world that is BDSM.

Have you ever experienced Gatekeeping or Conflation? How did you handle that? Let me know in the comments or in our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink!

Image Credit: Flickr user John Bell (CC BY-SA 2.0)

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