Soooo...what do we call each other?
Last Updated 13 January 2021
As a sub, have you ever wondered what you should call your Dom? Have you wondered what they should call you? It’s something many of us have come across at one point or another and it can be difficult to find ideas, particularly when you’re still new to the lifestyle.
Note: I will continue to update this article in the future as I come across new ideas.
It should go without saying but since it doesn’t I’m going to say it anyway: Do not choose an honorific for someone without their consent. I say this because it’s common for people who approach a prospective partner (particularly online) to just start using a title like “Mistress” or “slave” for someone they aren’t even in a relationship with. Mind you, sometimes it’s appropriate. If someone says in their profile to address them a certain way (I’ll write an entire article one of these days about finding online partners) then it makes sense to do so. However, if you simply make up a title for someone with no existing relationship, no input or indication from them that it’s appropriate, it can can be very off-putting. This article is for people who are already in or are entering into a dynamic and need ideas for honorifics.
It is often the D-type in the relationship that declares what titles will be used but not always. Maybe they are new to D/s and haven’t considered a title or honorific before. Maybe they want it to be personalized for each individual instead of just addressing every s-type they’ve ever been with as “sub”. Maybe your relationship turns an unexpected corner that warrants a new term.
This list isn’t an attempt to be all-inclusive because you could literally decide on anything you want. You could even make up your own words. If you’re at that level, you probably don’t even need to read this. This is for people that are struggling to find the right title.
You might find this especially difficult if one of you is non-binary or agender due to the plethora of gendered terms out there (especially the more common ones like Sir, Goddess, Master, Mistress, etc). Remember that if the person being addressed is comfortable with it, there’s nothing wrong with choosing a gendered term if that’s what seems most appropriate. Of course, I’ve also tried to provide plenty of gender-neutral options. Even if you don’t find something you like on the list, maybe it will spark some ideas.
First, here are some general points you might want to consider when choosing honorifics:
Do you intend to use these titles in front of vanilla observers? Alternatively, do you need one set for kink-friendly environments and another for vanilla situations? Or are you ok with dropping honorifics entirely in vanilla company?
Do you even need honorifics at all? They are common in D/s dynamics but there’s no rule that says you need them. It’s perfectly fine to address your kink partner the same way you would a vanilla romantic partner, whether it’s using their name or a pet name such as “honey”, “baby”, “dear”, etc.
Does your dynamic have a central “theme”? Perhaps Pet Play or military roleplay are regular fixtures in your BDSM play. If so, you may desire an honorific that reflects this.
How comfortable are you and your partner(s) with gender-based terminology? Some non-binary partners might identify more strongly with masculine or feminine terms but some might eschew gendered labels entirely. Even partners with binary gender identities might be uncomfortable with gendered labels.
Do you need more than one? There’s nothing wrong with changing honorifics over time, adding new ones, or switching them up based on the type of play occurring. DC and I each have a number of different titles that we use for each other. Going through our goodnight ritual is like introducing medieval nobility. Mina Chase, the first of her name, Prime Minister of Pain, Owner of Petrick, Domina of Hubadism, Smalls Who Kills Me.
Disclaimer: I tend to use “female” and “male” when describing binary genders. Some people find those terms offensive when applied to people rather than animals. No offense, degradation, or dehumanization is implied, but should you find them problematic at least it’s applied across the board. I am an equal opportunity offender, after all.
Do you intend to use honorifics in front of vanilla observers? Does your dynamic have a central “theme”?
Common D-type titles:
Boss: A simple, effective, and gender-neutral title. They are the one in charge, after all.
Captain: Gender-neutral and also great if roleplay involving ships or the military is part of your dynamic, though that’s certainly not required as “captain” is associated with authority even outside of those situations. If your D-type is or was in the military just be aware that they might object to this honorific if they haven’t actually held that rank.
Daddy/Mommy: Both are common in Big/little dynamics or when any other sort of age play is central to the dynamic. Outside of age play, Daddy seems to be more common as a general title, though of course nothing stops you from using Mommy. Don’t forget variants in other languages. Who doesn’t like the sound of “Papi”?
People wanting an ungendered title for Big/little or age play dynamics might seek inspiration from titles that have been used by vanilla enby parents, such as Moddy, Dee, Nini, Bibi, etc.
Note: Your D-type doesn’t actually have to be older than you to call them Daddy, Mommy, or any similar honorific. Littles and Middles aren’t the actual age that they play as. Even people with older partners often don’t have enough of an age gap for their partner to actually be their mother or father. Basically, use what fits your dynamic and the mindset of you and your partner. Don’t get hung up on technicalities.
Dom: Short for “Dominant”. It’s simple, it’s apt, it works. However, unlike the s-type version (sub) these words do carry gender-based connotations. “Dom” tends to imply a male but it’s also a gender-neutral term that I personally think we should use across the board. “Domme” is used exclusively for females and is an odd shorthand considering “Domme” isn’t found in the word “Dominant” though it’s etymology is likely “Dom” combined with a faux French feminine inflection.
Domina/Dominus: Latin for “mistress/master or owner”. “Domina” is a gendered term for a female Dominant and is far more prevalent. I think Dominus sounds pretty cool too but I haven’t heard anyone use it outside of Spartacus. There’s no gender-neutral version I’m aware of but Dominex or Dominis might be acceptable alternatives or perhaps Dominax/Dominux might work for a partner that is non-binary but leans towards feminine/masculine terms, respectively.
Goddess: This is a female gendered term and is particularly suitable if worship is part of your dynamic. While there is a male-equivalent I have yet to hear of anyone using it. My guess is that it is related to the prevalence of monotheism. I’d be very curious to hear from kinksters that come from non-monotheistic societies if “God” is a term that gets used by male Dominants.
If you want a non-gendered term or just something different but still related to divinity: Deity, Avatar, Angel, Celestial, Daemon (not the same as demon), Eidelon, Light, Star, and Almighty are less common but do provide non-gendered alternatives.
Governess/Governor: Nowadays, “Governor” is pretty gender-neutral but if you like to go Victorian style and don’t mind the female association, “Governess” works too. I always imagine this being said with an accent (like “Guvna” or “Guvness”) but that’s totally optional. Just be aware that you will be less cool in my eyes if you insist upon on proper enunciation.
Handler: Mostly used for dynamics that strongly incorporate pet play.
Headmaster/Headmistress: While the terms refer to the principal of a private school, they seem to carry a greater air of authority than “prinicipal”, though you can certainly use the latter term too.
Jefa/Jefe: Another term for a boss or person in charge. Being Spanish, these words are inherently gendered (female/male, respectively).
Lady/Lord: Female- and male-gendered titles, respectively. “Lady” might be easier to use in vanilla company than “Lord”. For full effect, say it like “Milord” or “Milady”. You could also draw inspiration from a number of similar titles: Duchess/Duke, Countess/Count, Marquess/Marquis (this one being particularly appropriate for a sadist), etc. For gender-neutral nobility or royalty titles, you could use terms like Eminence, Majesty, Liege, or Thane.
Master/Mistress: Common D-type honorifics for a M/s dynamic, though of course you don’t have to be M/s to use these. Although “Mistress” is the female version of “Master” it may be less appealing to some partners due to its association with being “the other woman”. I have heard of “Mixtress” being used for a non-binary D-type and one could certainly use “Mixter” or “Maxter” or something similar as well.
Mr/Mrs/Ms/Mz/Mx: Using a simple and common honorific (either alone or in conjunction with your partner’s name) has the advantage of sounding very formal while also being completely innocuous when used in a vanilla environment. You’ll draw far less attention calling your partner “Miss Smith” than “Goddess Freya” at the grocery store. Although people are more familiar with the gendered versions, “Mx” (typically pronounced "Miks” or occasionally “Muks”) is gaining traction for non-binary individuals.
Patron: A supporter, guardian, or protector. This might work well for Big / little dynamics or any D-type with strong protector and nurturer traits.
Prime Minister: Obviously you could use any head of state title (such as President) but for some reason I just really like “Prime Minister” (winks at DC). Just please don’t use “Supreme Leader”. I will judge you if you do.
Owner: Particularly suited for either pet play or M/s dynamics. It also has the advantage of being gender-neutral.
Rex: The word means “king” in Latin. However, it’s a word that draws a lot less attention that literally using the English (or whatever your primary language might be) word “king” in public. It’s something that could easily be passed off as a nickname. Even if this specific example doesn’t work for you, the idea might be useful. Take a word you want to use but can’t get away with in public and look for more obscure variants or use a term from another language.
Sergeant: I imagine this would mostly be used in a dynamic that features military roleplay or if your partner is actually in the military. As with “Captain” if your D-type is or was in the military just be aware that they might object to this honorific if they haven’t actually held that rank. Technically, you could use any rank (or your partner’s actual rank if they are a service member, veteran, police officer, etc.) but “sergeant” is one of the most common ranks / honorifics.
Sir/Ma’am: This is another simple and formal honorific that won’t raise too many eyebrows in most vanilla situations. Note that while “Madam” is technically the correct version of “Ma’am” it is also associated with brothels and thus might be undesireable. If a gender-neutral variant is desired, consider looking to popular literature or other media for options, such as “Serah” (Elder Scrolls) or the suffix “Sai” (bonus points if you also say “thankee”).
Wolf: A good one for primals or where the D-type is a strong protector type. I’ve only seen it used with male-identifying D-types but the word itself is gender-neutral.
Basically, anything that suggests authority or power. You could call them He-Man or She-Ra because they have the power! When it comes to animal names, usually anything predatory works.
Common s-type Titles:
Baby/Babygirl/Babyboy: Obviously the latter two are gendered but the first one is not. This can be good for Big/littles, any dynamic that otherwise features age play, as well as for dynamics that are also romantic relationships. “Baby” has the benefit of being a common vanilla term that you could use in public without drawing any extra attention.
Bitch: typically used for degradation.
Boi/Gurl: Similar to boy/girl below but this spelling is more common when used in a degrading manner. This spelling is also sometimes used to deliberately misgender the s-type, especially when things like forced bi, sissification, and/or crossdressing is featured within the dynamic.
Boy/Girl: This can be used for degradation, for a partner who is a Little, or as a means of objectification.
Bunny: A term that tends to sexualize the sub (Playboy Bunnies anyone?). Tends to imply that the s-type is female, though the word itself is technically gender-neutral. Also used for s-types who enjoy bondage, with “rope bunny” being a particularly popular variant.
Cub: Associated with homosexual male-identifying s-types but can also be used for any s-type that is seen as a strong “A-type” personality.
Doll: Appropriate for objectification. Typically used for female-identifying s-types but also used for male-identifying partners when the dynamic involves dollification / sissification / force crossdressing.
Eunuch: A term typically applied to male-identifying s-types that might be used for humiliation play (especially if the s-type has in fact undergone surgery to be sterile) or when cuckold play is a strong feature within the dynamic. Steer and gelding are terms for animals that have been castrated and might provide similar variations if pet play or other forms of animal roleplay are part of the dynamic.
Kajira/Kajiri: Female and male terms (respectively) for slaves in the Gorean tradition. One day Domina Chase will decide to make me her Kajiri. It’s totally going to happen.
Kitten: A good choice for pet play / animal play. Typically used for female-identifying s-types.
Maid: This may work well for a service-oriented sub. Also carried aspects of humiliation/sissification for male-identifying s-types.
Pain Slut: An appropriate title for an extreme masochist who actively seeks out pain. Despite the inclusion of “slut” which is a misogynistic word in general usage, “pain slut” is gender-neutral and is not usually considered degrading.
Pet: An obvious choice for pet play but also suitable for objectification and M/s dynamics (suggesting that the s-type is property and does not have the rights of a full person). It’s also a good option for nurturing dynamics due to the implied relationship between a vanilla owner and pet.
Pig: Good for degradation as well as the s-types for a “feeder”. The variant “pay pig” is often used when FinDom is a central feature of the dynamic.
Pony: Most likely used if pony play is a central feature of the dynamic.
Princess: This is another one where I’ve only seen one side of the coin being used, though there’s certainly nothing wrong with using “Prince” if you find it works for you. Obviously this is most often used for a female s-type though it might also be used for a male if humiliation, dollification, and/or forced crossdressing are part of your dynamic. It can be particularly suited for brats, littles, or s-types that are spoiled by their D-type.
Puppy: Common for pet play, usually used for male-identifying s-types.
Servant: Good for service-oriented s-types and also used for objectification.
Slave: A very appropriate and objectifying term for a slave. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with using this term even if you don’t identify as a slave according to the HuBDSM definition.
Stool: Alternatively footstool or any other furniture item of your choice. Used when human furniture play is a common feature within the dynamic. It’s also a means of objectification.
Stud: An option for pet play or dynamics that feature breeding (despite the fact that such cases often feature a male Dom and female sub there’s no reason it can’t involve a male s-type with a D-type of any gender). You could also use animal-specific variations such as Stallion. Some female variations include Studmare or Broodmare.
Sub: Sometimes simple is best. If you’re a sub, there’s nothing wrong with being referred to as “sub”.
Thrall: A Scandinavian term for a slave or serf. This is also applicable to those who are in the Vampire/Vampyre “sub”-culture (pun intended).
Toy: Commonly used for objectification. “Sex toy” and “fuck toy” are common variants. Suggests that the s-type is there to be used for the D-type’s pleasure and then ignored once their needs are satisfied (note that suggesting this and literally doing it are not the same, healthy relationships require all partners’ needs to be met).
Looking for Other Ideas?: One way to narrow down your search without reading the entire dictionary is to choose a theme. Are you trying to evoke a certain feeling? Do you want an animal name? A noble title? If you’re a protector, you might want something that sounds strong. If you are a cute and cuddly pet, go with something cutsie. If you’re a brat, maybe you want something associated with defiance. You might go with something ironic, like calling a very tall and broadly-built person “Tiny” or “Smalls”.
Changing Titles: There’s nothing that says you have to be locked into one honorific all the time. You could have different honorifics for different situations, different protocols, or different types of play. Some people might want different honorifics depending on their mood. Some gender-fluid people will go by different names and pronouns depending on their identity that day and so may want different honorifics as well.
Consider your normal speech patterns: This article explains why you might not want to use something as common as “sir” or “ma’am” especially if you already use them as a normal courtesy. It might take away the sense of it being a special honorific for your partner. Of course it would also make it easy to use those terms in public without alerting vanilla bystanders. Both points are worth consideration but ultimately the decision is up to you and your partner.
Gender Benders: Although some titles use gendered speech, that doesn’t have to limit you if you don’t want it to. There’s no reason a woman can’t be “daddy” if that’s what you want to use. Your your honorifics only need to work for those of you in the dynamic.
More Resources:
More Gender Neutral Titles: This list isn’t kink-specific but it may prove to be a useful guide if you’re trying to find gender-neutral forms of address.
A note on the use of “X”: The letter “X” has been used in many terms intended for non-binary people or to be entirely gender-neutral. It has a similar use in normal conversation where it serves as a blank stand in, not unlike in algebra. Thus, existing gendered terms have often been modified with “X” when necessary such as Mx as a gender-neutral alternative to Mr/Mrs/Ms or occasionally one might see someone describe themselves as MTX / FTX (male/female to non-binary) in place of the previous MTF / FTM (as noted in our glossary, those terms are generally outdated and AFAB / AMAB are more common; these are only presented to serve as examples). This is mentioned only to provide some basis for those who may feel a need to modify an existing gendered term.
On the other hand, applying “X” too liberally (usually by replacing vowels) can render words unpronounceable to anyone who doesn’t already know how to say them. Sometimes simply changing another letter can be a better option. This article is specifically in reference to Spanish but the concept can be useful for other purposes. Look at the gendered words, look for the differences between them, and find a way to tweak it.
In any case, some of the examples of words that I’ve made up can serve as guides. Which is all this entire article is: a guide. Use it to help you but don’t feel wedded to any specific terms, spellings, or meanings. It’s your dynamic, use whatever you and your partner(s) feel good with.
How do you address your partner? We’d love to have more ideas to add to the list. Tell us in the comments or join the discussion in our Facebook group Humanistic BDSM: Inclusive AF Kink.
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