Vanilla Aftercare: When Cuddling is not an Option
“Watson, is that really the best you can do? You’re standing there in front of the entire company and this is what you deliver. I know we didn’t give you guidelines but you should have figured it out.”
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“Today was the first time I’ve ever had to fire someone. I was fine at the time because I was upset by their poor performance. Now I don’t know if this new position as a manager is really for me. I feel completely empty.”
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You and Watson have the same job title and responsibilities at the same company. It could just as easily have been you up there being humiliated. Experienced humiliation players know that body shaming and intellectual degradation are hard limits for most people. Watson was effectively humiliation scened without their consent. Looked at through a kink prism, this is a dangerous scene. There was no consent or negotiation for an edge play scene. Conversely, your manager friend was put in a position that challenged what they know of themselves. You have an important skill to help your colleagues:
Rockstars in the boardroom and in the kink scene have aftercare skills.
If such a dangerous scene occurred in a public play space (i.e. one you know isn’t consensual humiliation), you would absolutely step in. One of the misconceptions that the vanilla world has is that kink play is a free for all. All great players take into consideration what happens to the internal landscape of person after they play. We know that after you break someone down, it is necessary to place all the pieces back together. This is often necessary because kink play places us in roles that is different from our reality.
Aftercare comes in two versions: Emotional and Physical. Since this is your buddy, physical aftercare through cuddling probably isn’t your go to. As in kink play, both bottoms AND tops need aftercare. Here are a few vanilla aftercare ideas.
1) Offer concrete phrases of comfort. This person was placed in a role not of their choosing. You are trying to help recalibrate your friend. Don’t down play what happened. It will cause them to lose trust in your words of comfort. Instead of saying “The CEO yelling at you wasn’t that bad” try “Yeah, you were dealt with really harshly. You didn’t do anything wrong, the situation was wrong.” By acknowledging that something wrong happened, it’s one less thing they have to struggle with.
2) Create a quiet place for them. Go for the classic stairwell hide. Unless you have a healthy workforce, it’s generally going to be secluded. After being berated or berating someone the lack of sensory stimulation will help them be calm.
3) Offer a sweater or coat. In kink aftercare, being clothed can be an important factor to comfort. This doesn’t become less true in vanilla aftercare. Having a physical boundary from the world to their skin adds another layer of protection. Depending on the weight of the garment, the heft can be as comforting as a good cuddle.
4) Give them water or food. Beyond the normal trope of emotional eating, there is a real physiological change that happens when the body is under stress. Even though they didn’t put in the physical exertion that comes with flogging, their body still went through the chemical changes commonly known as “fight or flight”. Hydration and calories will help recovery.
5) Hold their hand. This is about as vanilla an interaction as you can get in a kinky scene but this can be a powerfully intimate gesture between vanilla friends. Touch is a powerful healing tool. It releases calming hormones into the body and gives them a sense of connection to another person.
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These aren’t skills that are exclusive to kinky folks. This is actually being a Good Friend 101. What is unique is that you as a kink player can see when someone is in an unhealthy situation. You recognize the signs of top drop in your managerial friend and know how to spring into action. You have strategies to help your friend who was humiliated. Being trusted by your peers is key to advancement and leadership in the vanilla world.
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